Monday, December 27, 2004
help!!! i've fallen victim to a Jerry Springer plotline: i'm in love with a jerk.
don't worry, nobody's breaking any chairs. And he isn't sleeping with my best friend (or any of my relatives for that matter). all there is is a friendship, just a bicker-flirt and i'-your-guy-when-noone-else-is-around sort of thing. isn't the world wonderful???
well, no, not really. or at least not the world i'm in. he constantly acts like he likes me a lot. he hugs me and does sweet nothings with me. he makes me feel special that sometimes i just want to throw up. he flirts with me even though he had a girlfriend. he flirts with me even though i had a boyfriend. he has all this bicker-flirt shit into a science... shit, it does him good...
like most girls, i talk endlessly about wanting a funny guy who can express his feminine side, remember birthdays, give me hand massages or back rubs. i sigh with contentment at the movies where the goofy guy jumps through hoops to prove his love. afterward, my friends and i complain that no good men really exist.
good men do exist--- we just don't notice them. it's those guys who readily agree to rent a chick flick, who hand over their chemistry notes after you've been out with the flu.... they're, well. nice. faithful. boring. you don't have to work for their love coz it's already there--- like a golden retriever.
with this jerk, uh, the reverse is true... in a geeky sort of way. hell he IS a nice guy, one of the good guys i mentioned earlier. what makes him the ultimate jerk is that... is that... no i can't say it!!! it's just that for me, it's all chasing, innuendo and mixed messages. but most important, what really gets me lusting after him, is that there's resistance. when someone resists you, what do you do??? you want him more!!! wanting is always present... it's what makes the world go round... and sideways... and backwards...
so while i can't stand his shit, i can't stop wanting him either. and maybe i'll wake up one day and get over him--- though i'll probably get my heart broken to little granules of sand.
but after all, isn't that true attraction? how much you want something--- or somebody--- is inversely proportional to how good it is for you. on second thought, perhaps you SHOULD book me on Springer. when this is over, i fear i'm going to feel like throwing a chair.
yukichiyu screamed her lungs out at 6:09 PM!
