my mind's totally blank! haha... anyway, i am enjoying my vacation with my cousins.. we went bar hopping and partying the night away! good thing my parents were too busy to notice... haha! anyway, i'm having another spiel this coming november... problem is, it'll happen mid-month. meaning i'll be missing lots of classes... hai. well, no problem there! i'll just probably cruise away... haha.... who am i to pass on such a great time?

i mean, all of my relatives back in the states will be coming to the philippines.. my dad's aunt and uncle will be celebrating their FIFTIETH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!! god, i wish i'll be married for that loooong... haha! anyway, it'll be on november 19, at villa escudero. mind you, my family knows the owner... and so we will be having the place all to ourselves... haha! talk about good timing! there'll be about 400 guests, and that's picked. i mean, selected meticulously! wow, we have such a large extended-cum-close family relations... wakekeke...

god, i miss it already.

i am very freaked out! for you to know how much this ticked me, i'll pour out everything here! i am so scared.... i don't even know what the hell that means!!!! why would i even dream about it if it didn't mean anything???

okay, so i dreamed of something very peculiar....
*******

i was in someone's backyard talking to someone... i was wearing a plain white baby tee with my flowing white skirt and white mary janes... i remember that there was a miniature fountain beside us... i was talking to a guy who was in a black polo shirt and black slacks with black shoes... and we were chatting about something..... i was very irritated or so that i was merely whispering to him... suddenly, he brought out a butcher's knife [yahp, the BIG one] and told me:

"hey, i'm going to stab you okay? i'm going to kill you, okay?"

and i didn't even react! all i did was turn around.... not the panicky turning around, i just merely turned around as if nothing was going to happen... very confidently and unemotionally!!!!! and when i did turn around, he stabbed me in the back.......... he didn't immediately pull out the knife, he even pulled it down my back!!! and i had this vision of my back with a horrible wound where the knife cut me.... i was bleeding profusely.... and he didn't stop there! he stabbed me FOURTEEN TIMES. i counted it..... he counted it while stabbing.... and after the stabbing, he looked at me, hugged my bloody body and said:

"thank you"

and he walked away.... he walked away with me there sitting on the grass.... weird thing is, i didn't die, nor was i experiencing any pain.... i didn't even grimace...! i was just there, sitting on the grass with my left hand on my back as if i was scooping the blood coming out of my wounds...... when my hand was full of blood, i brought it close to my mouth...... stained my lips with blood...... and reached out to the fountain...... washing the blood off my hand.....

that's when my mom saw me... all she did was ask me what the hell was on my back... and i saw that the back of my white shirt was already red... i didn't respond and she walked away.... as if it was to no alarm that i was probably dying.... but i didn't die!!!! i just sat there till the wounds healed....... and the last thing i saw were scars....
*******

i was relieved when my mom shook me awake... i was sweating! my mom just woke me up to tell me that she bought me taho... haha... taho... i looove taho.... anyway, i was so scared of what i just dreamed of... why would i dream of such??? this is the second time i dreamt that i was murdered..... the first one i completely forgot... i just knew i was murdered... but this one, i remember COMPLETELY. each and every detail.... the clothes i was wearing... even the shoes..... the place [which, i suddenly realized, just happend to be our resthouse in anilao].... the smell of the water.... the taste of my blood.... the color of the guy's clothes... everything.....

i told my mom about my dream and she said she'll sleep with me everynight whether i like it or not.... she thinks i might have "bangungot" or something.... i think so, too.... that's why i love my mom.... she roused me from the danger of dying in my sleep....

i am so scared that i vowed i will burn the clothes i have that i wore in the dream.... and i would not set foot in our resthouse for a couple of years.... i am so horrified at the idea that it might come true.... but thing is, i think i know what the dream meant.... i know! but i just can't figure out the last part...

i hope i get this damn dream out of my head... it's driving me nuts! god, i was killed.... i was murdered..........!

and i knew the guy who did it. i know his face. his name. i know HIM. why did he want to kill me in my dream?? why did he stab me on the back??? why did he say thank you??? why???? i couldn't get the puzzle to fit right.... why?

shit. now i'm depressed AND confused. paranoia..... damn this.

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am young again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am free again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

at exactly 1.28pm [mind you, that's time i found myself waking up] my world shattered:

my bracelet, the one i have worn for 2 years, 2 months and three days, bade me goodbye... i want to holler out a cry for justice!!! all i did was sleep!!! why did it break????

i am very, very attached to my bracelet....

i never took it off and it never broke before!!! why now when i need it's security???

it reminded me of the past.. the part i couldn't bring myself to forget..in it lies all the memories of happiness and sorrow... with it lives the broken promises...

i felt it hard to let go.

a girl falls in love with a boy because he listens to her when she speaks, and remembers what she said a month ago. love is sparked by the little things--- the quiet word, the gesture of compassion, the look.

it's the small things, not the big ones, that stay implanted in your heart.

what the eyes cannot see, the heart can feel. and whatever the mind forgets, the heart will always remember. the ordinary things are the highlights of our life, they are the very things that nourish and sustain all the big blessings we already have and hold.

i held on too long, too much. i have been unfair... even with my heart set on a new love, i held back. putting off a part of it aside.... unwilling to forget.

as i hold the broken chain of promises, of dreams, of hopes... and the love we once had... i realized: i have forgotten.

finally, i felt mysef let go. touchè.